using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
