she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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