i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
