so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
They have beer where we have blood.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
