I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
