At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
