the condom got lost in my hair
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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