you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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