im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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