Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
