did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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