I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
