I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
