My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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