I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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