i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
