Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.