you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
