my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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