She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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