we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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