what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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