its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
too bad you live with your parents still
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
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I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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