i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
