so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
