If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
