just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
