i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
