I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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