A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
