the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
