no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
