I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
