I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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