thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
