I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
