yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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