I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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