Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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