good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
