I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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