Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
