My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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