I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
