I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
