Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
