Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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