He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
