he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Two words: blizzard sex
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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