i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
