Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
