When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
