I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
