matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
