True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
