Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
