A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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