I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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