We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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