Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
